Demarcate signs of morbid jealousy: when should you be concerned

We all have experienced jealousy at some point in our lives. Many of us are also familiar with the negative effects jealousy can bring into relationships. Normally, we would find healthy ways to communicate with our partners to clarify things.

What to do if your partner is jealous of you?

However, in some cases, jealousy can be a sign of potentially toxic relationships. The one full of neediness, attachment, and pain. Of course, a batterer won't show his true colors at the very beginning: he needs to win your trust and affection first. 

So, is it possible to recognize abusive behavior at the onset? “A prominent trait of abusers is excessive, unnatural jealousy,” says Virginia Allison, who's sharing her story after almost five years of being emotionally abused. “That's why if you see signs someone is jealous of you, and you feel intimidated by allegations, it's time to go.”

Virginia Allison has been suffering from emotional abuse and her partner's morbid jealousy that further led to his paranoia and a very unhealthy breakup. Virginia shares her story from the very beginning, in short, to outline the main red flags of abusive behavior. Don't miss them, and don't mess with them!

“Mysterious stranger.”

I met him at my friend's party. He was sitting in the backyard, giving off the vibe that he was too “mature” for events like this, and anyone must feel lucky to know him.

Throughout the whole evening, he was sitting in one place, with that listless look that read, “I'm bored, but I'm stuck, so let's see what's going on here.”

He attempted to talk to me two times, but I was too busy helping my friend with the party routines. 

When my friend discovered that we were out of alcohol, he was the one who called a taxi and went to the store. He brought in an enormous amount of drink along with candies, fruits, and other stuff no one asked him to buy. 

I think he did that purely for attaching you to himself, showing that he can take responsibility for other people. It's like a spider setting webs.

Love-bombing and all the haste

“Eventually, he wanted me all to himself, grooming my friends and community.”

I felt an instant connection, the one I desperately sought for. I called him occasionally, after a couple of weeks, asking for help because I knew he was able to help quickly. 

He came to me immediately from another city and solved the problem in several minutes. We spent the rest of the evening together, which led to the night and the next five damaging years of my life. 

I turned a blind eye to how quickly the relationship started: it was like there couldn't be another way.

Eventually, he wanted me all to himself, grooming my friends and community. He required me to stay home, even if he wasn't there because “why should I be someplace else if I had a home?” My life eventually slipped away from me into his hands: he took control of everything: my finances, my decisions. 

A “special bond”

“Batterers don't love: they love to death.”

Upon reflection, I realized that we two were like missing parts of a puzzle: I desperately craved stronger bondings, because for me it was the only definition of love. That's because I've grown up in abusive households where controlling and being dependent were a normal part of relationships.

He was the one with the same beliefs: loving someone for him meant becoming one organism, but not in a healthy way. It gives one the right to control the other and get access to a person's mind, feelings, fears, and everything you're content with. If you're in such a relationship for long, you completely lose your identity.

As the relationship evolved, he asked my most intimate experiences, secrets, and dreams. He pushed me to skip events with my friends and decided which friends should stay around me and which must go. He asked for access to social media accounts as a sign of “trust.” At first, he explained it as “we're family, so there shouldn't be any secrets between us.” And I kept thinking, “no one has ever loved me so intensively.” Later I understood that batterers don't love: they love to death.

Flipping the script

“I knew: if I opened up to anyone, he would find out; he had his ways to be aware of everything.”

I must acknowledge that from the very beginning, he was very possessive and jealous. He accused me of being unfaithful and checked my every step. I didn't question it at first — it made me feel special. Then the controlling behavior abruptly turned into intimidation. 

I could feel weird about the whole situation: how can I love a person I'm scared of? Strangely, but that sort of connection swamps you deeper and deeper to the point where you just cannot change anything. I knew: if I opened up to anyone, he would find out; he had his ways to be aware of everything. 

I felt I needed to appease him to get back to the early glow, including sacrificing my job, friends, interests to “gain trust.” 

He exploded unexpectedly, usually after my delay in answering the phone, or if he suspected me of lying. One time, I was at the store with no one around, but he got an idea there were men's voices close to me, so he terrorized me in his special way: screaming, hanging up the phone, and then driving over the speed limit. He made me feel guilty after that night because his car tire burst while he was roaming around. 

His allegations were so intense that I needed to change my behavior in response to his accusations. I began to double-guess my perception of reality. At last, I began questioning my mental sanity.

If you feel that your partner is jealous of you in a way that scares you a lot, — it’s a sign you’re in an unhealthy, controlling relationship.

What is excessive jealousy? 

“I think unhealthy jealousy starts when a suspicious partner is hunting for evidence of adultery.” 

Morbid jealousy is a highly disturbing disorder, given its complicated nature. It is usually overlooked as most attention is paid to delusional jealousy, which, in turn, is classified as a psychiatric disorder.

However, it is a real threat that can lead to paranoid development. 

If a person is jealous of you, he might suffer from unpleasant and irrational jealous ruminations. It can later lead to paranoia when a person cannot tell the reality from delusions.

I think unhealthy jealousy starts when a suspicious partner is hunting for evidence of adultery. My boyfriend made me delete my Facebook account, Instagram, and got access to my messengers. If he saw me texting someone, he became furious, and his jealousy increased substantially.

Signs of jealousy that is not healthy:

• suspicious behavior;
• possessiveness on the part of the partner;
• absolute certainty of the infidelity of a partner (look at the statistics);
• compulsive checking of the partner;
• delusional disorders;
• insomnia.

In other words, if you're suffering from unreasonable allegations, if your partner intimidates you in his measures to “extract a confession,” then you're probably in an abusive relationship. 

What causes excessive jealousy?

Pathological jealousy generally erupts from mistrust. In this case, it's not the sign of love, but rather dependence. Intense jealousy is usually a syndrome that occurs in many psychiatric conditions.

Substance abuse may also be implicated as a biological contributor to morbid jealousy.

Projection jealousy

“Their suspicions grow bigger when they themselves are fantasizing about elicit things.”

Intense jealousy may originate through the abuser's own actual unfaithfulness. People get furious with their partners when they suspect harboring desire for sex with another person. But their suspicions grow stronger when they themselves are involved in extra-marital sex or fantasizing about illicit things.

After we broke up with my possessive boyfriend, I discovered he had been having an affair for half a year before it happened. Previously, there were cigarette butts in the ashtray in his car that gave me the first clue, but we were on the verge of breaking up, so I didn't want to put my head into that. 

When jealousy is ok?

“Healthy jealousy is more grief at the idea of losing a partner.”

It's normal to want to guard people we love. If your partner is jealous of you in a healthy way, it can guard your bond, because:

• It shows your commitment to partner 
• It helps you confront major threats 
• It reminds you how lucky you are that your partner is attractive

Normal jealousy stems from grief at the thought of losing a loved object. It's often accompanied by a feeling of hostility against the successful rival. When someone is jealous of you in a healthy way, it can be generally referred to as grief at the idea of losing a partner. 

FAQ

If you're not sure how to deal with jealous people, and can't understand the root of jealousy, here are most popular questions with answers that can give you some clues.